I have a new ritual for when I get bored or scared or feel some illusion of pressure and lack of space for growth. I explained about the dancing and moving of my body in part 1, yesterday, and now I want to talk about how I use recording & posting myself as a tool to dissolve blocks & facilitate my growth.
I often get asked why i record myself being emotional, and it's the same reason that I record myself dancing my ass off. It's not for attention, it's to be seen.
It's for me to see myself, and for me to allow others to see me, too.
One of the other benefits I recognized after I began recording myself is that it gives me an opportunity to compare what's going on inside of me to what's going on outside of me and see where they maybe aren't in alignment with how I want to be.
I want to be someone who flows freely. Who lets go. Who isn't overthinking things and in her head all of the time. I want to be someone who isn't self conscious, so I CONSCIOUSLY make an effort to do things that expose my true self to the world.
I intentionally choose things that stretch me out of my comfort zone- to represent myself as the person I want to be and how I want to feel!
It's one thing to do me behind closed doors, it's a whole other thing to do it so publicly. It forces me to pay attention to the narrative that's going on in my head and to let go of judgment around it, to stay in the moment even when I'm triggered. In a way, you could say that I am desensitizing myself to some of my triggers.
I can literally see when I get too into my head- my entire presence changes. Everything about me. And this sight has allowed me to see others with the same clarity, too.
If you watch, you can see the progression of my energy moving and my letting go. And when I'm watching myself, I'm thinking about what was going on in my head in each moment and comparing it with what happens on the outside. It's a study in Kelsey.
The perspective that I've gained this way has been a huge piece of the puzzle for me.
Finally, As the icing on the cake, it's also an opportunity for me to see how incredible I really am when I let myself GO.
Also of note, this Cavs shirt is something really silly that represents quite a lot to me, of my growth.
It's a shirt I wouldn't have worn for most of my life. Here's why:
1) It reveals my Americanness. Something I've long had a lot of shame about claiming.
2) It's a crop. I hated my stomach until I was 32. I hated my hips; I didn't wear shorts from age 16-32 because I hated my thighs. I hated my body. I was so mad at it for so long. All of that rage is gone now, and it's totally freeing!